


You Were Not The Monster

by TheApricotDebater



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Beauty and the Beast AU, Comedy, Drama, Evan Hansen - Freeform, Fluff, Heidi Hansen - Freeform, M/M, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempts, Teen Angst, Zoe Murphy - Freeform, alana beck - Freeform, but it'll have TONS of references to other films and musicals, connor Murphy - Freeform, connor survives, cynthia Murphy - Freeform, dear evan hansen - Freeform, jared Kleinman - Freeform, larry Murphy - Freeform, sucide attempts, which is the goal, youll either laugh cry or groan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 12:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10719396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheApricotDebater/pseuds/TheApricotDebater
Summary: A lonely and peculiar boy is forced to befriend the Beast of his school.





	1. Silent

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first DEH fic and I hope to get better as the story progresses. Be gentle with critics.

In the halls of Westerburg High he was called The Beast.

He was mysterious, short-tempered, unpopular and friendless. He was known to never really talk to anyone, he was known to scream at the people who  _did_ catch his attention. He was known to smoke pot and God knows what else, in parking lots and back alleys, he was known to be the bane of every adult's existence. 

He was also known as Connor Murphy. 

He was one of a kind, truly, with his greasy hair and faded hoodie and unwashed jeans.  _But_ , if there was anyone in school who could be called similar, who might have an inkling as to how The Beast felt, that was the dear Evan Hansen. Evan Hansen with his ruffled hair and broken arm and nervous twitches. Where Connor yelled Evan stuttered, if he even talked at all. While Connor spent his afternoons getting high, Evan spent his writing letters to himself. 

Everyone, including themselves, thought both boys were as different as night and day. But Evan felt Connor's loneliness, Connor felt Evan's anxiety. And they both felt the sense that life would go much smoother without them. 

Those thoughts were lingering in the back of Evan's mind as he studied his blank cast, Jared's rejection to sign feeling like a wasp's sting. 

Suddenly a voice was raised and he looked up to see Connor Murphy glaring at Jared. Where Evan would've shrunk under such a venomous look Jared just looked annoyed: "You're such a freak."

Evan's family friend walked off, leaving Evan temporarily alone with the school's Beast. To be honest Evan never used the word to describe Connor, he was never around long enough to grow an opinion, negative or otherwise. And he didn't listen to rumors cause...there was no telling what the mill had spread about Evan. No, Connor, to Evan, was just his crush's brother. 

Connor wasn't paying Evan any mind, that was until the boy let out a weak cough. And then suddenly Connor was screaming at him ("Stop fucking laughing at me!") and he was far too loud for Evan's panicked stutter to be heard. And then he was being shoved to the cold floor, Connor's furious steps echoing in the empty hall. His tail bone sore Evan turned his head to see Connor disappearing behind a corner, Evan's ready apologie dying on his tongue. 

Which was for the best Evan knew, apologizing to his attacker would be one of his more pathetic moments-which was saying something, considering Evan's line up. But still, as he pulled himself to his feet that awful part of his brain told him it  _was_ his fault. If he hadn't coughed Connor wouldn't have jumped to conclusions, if he had stayed home he wouldn't have had to worry about it... If he hadn't been  _born..._

A familiar and concerned voice brought Evan out of his mind set. It was Zoe Murphy and Evan's heart sky-rocketed at the sight of her. Through the pounding in his ears he heard her apologize for her brother and heard himself ramble on and on as he always did. But if she was irritated, and she probably was, she  _definitely_ was, she was nice enough not to show it.

Eventuallt they parted ways and Evan took a deep breath, he wondered if she knew he had kinda been staring, not on purpose of course-he just forgot to blink while he talked. A part of his brain told him he might as well stare, that was the closest to first base he would ever get. The other half gave him his hourly reminder that he was utterly pathetic. 

.

" _...would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? Sincerely your best and most dearest friend, me."_

Evan knew Dr. Sherman would not be happy with this letter, but sitting in the old lab full of outdated computers...he was too tired to care.

"So, what happened to your arm?"

Evan nearly jumped out of his skin as all of a sudden Connor Murphy was there, appearing as silently as a ghost. 

"Oh-I, uh, fell out of a tree actually," he answered immediately. He then remembered that this was the kid who pushed him only a few hours ago. But it didn't help how Connor looked so non-threatening at the moment. 

"Fell out of a tree?" Connor's head tilted slightly, his long hair falling across his shoulder. "Well that's the saddest fucking thing I ever heard."

"I-I know," was all Evan could think to reply to that. 

The taller boy looked a tad awkward as he continued, "No one's um...signed your cast."

Evan repeated that he knew, picking at said cast as he did so and wondering if Connor even remembered pushing him. To be fair Evan was pretty forgettable.

"Well I'll sign it," Connor offered in an almost determined voice, like it was a mission. 

"You-you don't have to," Evan breathed, taking a small step back. 

But Connor wasn't listening, "Do you have a sharpie?"

The next thing Evan knew his cast had the band 'Connor' written in big bold letters that took up most of the space, and even if it wasn't a sincere act he was grateful for it. 

Connor shrugged, "Now we can both pretend we have friends."

That was right. Connor never hung out with anyone, he didn't even chat to people like Jared and Alana. Evan forgot he had that in common with the other teen. He couldn't help his skittish heart going out to the boy...maybe he really wasn't as beastly as everyone said. 

But then Connor read his letter and everything went downhill as it always did. 

"Because there's Zoey..."

.

Connor Murphy didn't know what the world wanted from him-except to be a fucking disappointment and gullible idiot. 

He had been trying to be nice to that Hansen kid, to make admendments for pushing him. What did he get from it? A fucking creep going after his sister so he could tell the whole damn school he was a crazy freak. He already got tricked and humiliated once...he didn't need it to happen again. 

_But it would._

_It would always happen._

_Because the entire world fucking hates you._

Connor dug his nails into his scalp, pacing his room, his entire house empty. His mom was at her book club, his dad at work, and his sister out being social. 

He hadn't told Zoe about the letter, as much as they couldn't stand each other he wanted to protect her. Not that she would appreciate it. 

" _I can take care of myself. I don't need you._ "

Connor dropped onto the edge of his bed, his palms pressed against his eyes so everything was dark, dark, dark. 

Zoe was a lot like their dad, in the sense that he too didn't need Connor. If anything he imagined Larry saw him as an ugly stray dog-trashy and particularly useless but so pathetic you  _had_ to take care of it. 

Connor started, pulling his hands back to see the heels of his palms were damp. He rubbed his eyes and clenched his teeth when he felt hot moisture run across his fingers. Damn it, damn it,  _damn_ it. What would Cynthia do if she could see him now? 

The answer was obvious, she'd try to mend the unfixable. 

Connor forced himself to a standing position, guilt and shame and grief and hatred brewing in his stomach. He feels like vomiting, he feels like collapsing onto the floor, he feels like crying...and that was where he drew the line. 

Connor Murphy did not cry. 

Knowing that joints could only cure him for so long Connor stumbled out of his room, the house's silence feeling deafening and mocking. He reached the bathroom on shaking legs that felt like they would buckle any second. He ripped open the medicine cabinet, tossing away deordants, Band-aids, tooth paste, and floss until his eyes landed on what he was looking for. Connor picked up a white pill bottle...a very full pill bottle. 

_Freak..._

_Psycho..._

_Disappointment..._

_Stoner..._

_Slut..._

... He opened the cap. 


	2. Marked

Evan should've known going to Jared with his problems wouldn't help. But he literally had no one else.

  
Jared sat across from him, a partly dissected frog between them. The bespectacled boy cringed, "You're kidding me."

  
"I'm not," Evan's voice was tight.

  
"You wrote some creepy sex letter to The Beast's sister and let him _see_ it?"

  
Evan blushed, "It-it wasn't a sex letter." His blush only deepened when their classmates gave him weird looks. "And I didn't _mean_ to let him see it!"

  
"Doesn't matter now, once he comes back your days are numbered," Jared pointed out with no sympathy. "But look on the bright side!"

  
Evan's eyes narrowed, "What bright side?"

  
"You won't have to waste time on Mr. Adam's history project if you're dead." Jared smirked smugly at Evan's scowl.

  
"But since we're talking about The Beast," Jared indicated to Evan's cast, "What the hell?" He was, of course, talking about Connor's signature.

  
"He-he offered to sign it."

  
"Why would he do that? That's weird."

  
Evan shrugged, "Maybe-maybe he was just trying to be nice."

  
But Jared didn't believe that for a second, "Connor Murphy doesn't do nice." He pursed his lips, "Maybe it's your very own. black spot."

  
"Black spot?" Evan echoed.

  
"Yeah, remember those Disney pirate movies we watched last year and the hentai monster gave Johnny Depp that spot on his hand, AKA, a death sentence."

  
Evan swallowed and looked at the six letters on his cast, suddenly feeling marked for disposal.

  
But the two didn't get any farther in detailing Evan's demise, instead the loud speaker crackled and the principal's voice filled the room. "Evan Hansen, please report to the principal's office. Evan Hansen, please report to the principal's office."

  
Said boy's eyes bulged and he was surprised they didn't fall out of his skull. Jared and the rest of the class stared at him in disbelief. Evan swallowed and pushed himself onto legs that felt like jelly.

  
" _What did you do_?" Jared mouthed.

  
But Evan didn't answer, instead he focused on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing. After he closed the classroom door his classmates instantly started talking, their voices muffled by the door.

  
Swallowing again Evan made his way down the deserted hallway, he clutched a fistful of his shirt, rubbing his thumb against the comforting fabric. He tried to keep his mind from racing-but that was a fruitless endeavor, his brain coming up with thousands of possibilities on what he did wrong. Most of the imagined scenarios either ended with him expelled or dead. And his nerves didn't settle as he made it to his destination, walking into the office that was devoid of the principal. But there was two adults, a man and a woman, he didn't recognize.

  
The man noticed him first, his face was strict but his eyes were tired, "Evan Hansen?"

  
Hearing his name made him flinch. The woman had whirled in her seat and was staring at Evan like he was her savior. The intense look nearly had him running out of the office.

  
"I-I was looking...I needed...is Mr. Howard here?"

  
The man stood up and Evan shrunk into himself, standing at the doorway. "Mr. Howard stepped out, my wife and I wanted to talk to you." He noticed how Evan had yet to step into the office, "Come on in, sit down."

  
Evan obeyed, sitting across from the couple. "What's-what's wrong? I m-mean who are you?"

  
The man answered, his wife still gazing at Evan like he was the messiah. "My name is Larry and this is Cynthia. We're Connor Murphy's parents."

  
Evan's heart nearly jumped to his throat. Connor showed his parents the letter, they thought he was a stalker, he was going to get arrested, he'd never have a shot with Zoey and his mother would disown him.

  
But Cynthia's question brought him out of his panic: "You two were friends, right?"

  
"Wh-what?"

  
From out of her very expensive looking purse she pulled out the letter and handed it to him. "He wrote this for you, he wanted you to have it."

  
Evan gave her a confused look, "What? He-he wanted me to have it?"

  
Larry sucked in a breath, and Evan thought his questions had angered him. "Connor overdosed a few days ago."

  
Evan's jaw went slack, his body tensing in shock. "He did..."

  
"He's _fine_!" Cynthia quickly broke in. "I found him just in time. He's at the hospital. He's fine."

  
"Oh, that's...that's good," Evan's voice came out awkwardly. By her expression he had a hard time believing that Connor really was fine.

  
Larry spoke up, "How long have you and my son been friends?"

  
Evan was even more confused, "Excuse me?"

  
"Well he left you a note after trying to take his life," Larry pointed out and his wife cringed at the last words. "And he looks to be the only one to have signed your cast." Evan placed his hand over the name.

  
They thought he and Connor were friends, which was kind of laughable. Connor didn't like anybody and he was Evan Hansen, nobody liked him. And he was ready to pull those words out of his mouth, but then Cynthia spoke: "We wanted to thank you."

  
Evan stared at her, she was once again looking at him with eyes shining in gratitude. "But-but I...I didn't do anything."

  
Cynthia shook her head, "But you did. You gave our son a chance. You...you were his only friend."

  
"He still tried to kill himself," Evan pointed out and then but his tongue, what an awful thing to say. But what was Mrs. Murphy saying? Evan had no such impact on anyone.

  
"But none of us knew how serious this was," Cynthia pointed out. "We do now and you can help be a positive influence on Connor. I already talked to his doctors, they said it would be a good idea!"

  
"But I..." Evan tried to find the right words. "I couldn't-"

  
"We can't force the boy, Cynthia," her husband cut in.

  
But she ignored Larry, reaching her arms out to take Evan's hand in hers. "Please," she breathed softly, eyes damp. "I nearly lost my son...I have a chance to save him. But I need your help. We- _Connor_  needs you, Evan."

  
They needed him.

  
For the first time in his life...He was needed-He was wanted.

  
"I'll..." Evan took a deep breath, "I'll try my best."

  
Cynthia let out a happy sob and pulled Evan into an unexpected hug. The teenagers went ramrod still, taking in the warmth of her skin and her rosy perfume.

  
"Thank you," she sniffed. "Thank you."

  
.

  
"Holy shit."

  
Evan hunched his head between his shoulders, "I know, I know."

  
Ho-ly shit."

  
Evan sat on Jared's bed, the older boy sitting at his computer desk and staring at his friend with exasperation and a amusement. "You told Connor's parents you two were friends. Are you high?"

  
"I-I didn't know what else to do," Evan stammered. "You should've seen his mother's face, she-she needed my help."

  
Jared cocker a brow, "Right so, do I need to go over what's fucked up about this? Connor Murphy, AKA, The Beast, tried to commit suicide and failed. So now you're going to see him when he gets released and pretend you're the best of friends?"

  
Evan nodded and Jared let out a sympathetic sigh. "Did I not hear the part where Connor agreed to play along?"

  
Oh. _Oh._ Evan gave his friend a horrified look, "What is he going to do?"

  
"When he finds out you lied to his parents and are claiming you two hold hands and skip through the flower fields? He'll kill you." Jared leaned back against his seat, not bothered by his grisly conclusion. "I'll be sure to have a passionate and dramatic speech ready for your funeral, buddy."

  
.

  
The next day went by as a blur. Evan's anxiety making him sweat and he could hear his heart thrumming in his ears. Through the hazy memories he recalled Zoey coming up to him and inviting him to visit Connor after school. Evan had said yes and spent the rest of the day imagining how Connor would kill him. He looked like someone who preferred strangulation.

  
And then school was over and he sat in the waiting room of the hospital. Zoey and her parents had went ahead to Connor's room and promised to come back for him. Evan half expected to be kicked out of the hospital any second now for being a filthy liar.

  
But thanks to Evan's silent breakdown he forgot that this was the hospital his mother worked at.

  
"Evan!?"

  
He looked up and suddenly Heidi was kneeling before him, and by her horrified expression Evan idly wondered if he got stabbed without noticing.

  
"What are you doing here? Did you get hurt? Are you sick? Did you run out of medicine?"

  
"I'm fine, I'm fine," he tried to assure her, her nervousness contagious. "I-I'm just here to visit. I'm visiting a friend."

  
Heidi blinked, "Is it Jared?"

  
He shook his head, "His-uh..." Why not lie to his mother he was going to end up lying to everyone else. "His name is Connor."

  
Heidi's brow furrowed, her eyes momentarily going to his cast before looking at his face again. "Connor Murphy?"

  
Of course she knew about the boy who was a patient at her hospital. But he was saved from further conversation when Zoey walked into the mainly empty waiting room. "Ready, Evan?" she asked, giving his mother a curious look.

  
"Y-Yeah!" Evan stood up so abruptly he nearly tripped. "See you later, Mom!"

  
"We're going to be talking later," Heidi called out and Evan prayed she'd forget about that talk once she got home.

  
"Your mom works here?" Zoe made small talk as they walked through the hospital halls.

  
Evan nodded, keeping his eyes on his shoes, "She's a nurse's aid."

  
Zoe hummed in response and they dwindled into silence. After a few agonizing seconds Evan forced himself to break the quiet, "How's-how's Connor?"

  
"He's awake and being a complete and total asshole like usual. Which I guess is a good sign." She gave Evan a suspicious look, "I have a really hard time believing you two are friends."

  
Evan shrugged, "Well, we are." Until Connor carves the truth into my skull. "Did you tell him I'm here?"

  
"We did," she replied bluntly as they reached her brother's room.

She opened the door and waited for Evan. He took in a breath, took in a second-still couldn't breathe-and walked inside.

  
.

  
When Connor joined ninth grade he was pretty bummed that as a freshman he still felt like he hadn't caught up to his gangly body.

  
His mother always told him he'd grow up and be so, so tall, and when their heights were being measured Zoe would stand on her tiptoes to match his height. Honestly she could have his long legs, if he got her charm in return.

  
While Connor usually sent people running with his short temper and weird personality Zoe didn't ever seem to make one enemy. She was charming and pretty and sweet, everyone loved her and were surprised to find out she had a greasy scarecrow as a brother.

  
Connor tried not to be jealous, after all he wasn't big on people to begin with. Still he sat in the cafeteria one day, arms sore from accidentally hitting doors and chairs and lockers, and he watched his sister talk with her friends. And he watched people watch his sister, from the most popular football players to dweebs like that annoying Kleinman kid and his friend who never talked. And a part of Connor wished that he could have just a little bit of his sister's charm so maybe, just maybe, he could have a friend.

  
That wish was granted a second later in the form of a tall lean senior by the name of Jax Shepherd.

  
The older boy was suddenly sitting next to Connor, his pitch black hair making his blue eyes pop and he was smirking at the younger boy.

  
"What?" Connor demanded, his tone defensive.

  
"Just wondering what's your secret," the senior admitted in a teasing tone. "You look like you're having so much fun over here, it's bumming the rest of us out."

  
When Connor only stared at him he added, "It's a joke. You know? Ha, ha?"

  
"I know what a joke is."

  
Jax smiled and Connor's cheeks felt warm. "Great! We already have something in common!" He extended his hand, "Shepherd."

  
Connor warily shook the offered hand, "Murphy."

  
"You know Murphy, you remind me of myself at that age. Young and lonely and unaware how hot I'd be in a few short years."

  
"Okay?" Connor had no idea where he was going with this. "So?"

  
"So in honor of freshman me I'm inviting you to come sit with me and my friends."  
The younger boy was instantly on alert, "Why? You don't owe freshman you any favors."

  
Jax blinked at his open hostility but then his eyes flashed with understanding and his smile was soft. "Look kid, I get it. I know how it feels...not to fit in. It sucks. But you look like a cool guy so I thought I'd hand you the invitation. Keep in mind you don't have to accept it but it's there."

He winked at Connor before standing up, brushing off his pants, "Think about it."

  
And, as much as Connor hated to admit, watching Jax saunter away, on top of the world...he did think about it.


	3. Reject & Accept

Cynthia and Larry turned to the door as soon as Evan stepped inside. The former smiled when she saw him and turned back to the bed beside her, "Evan's here."

It felt like his lungs collapsed and his skin  was about to be doused with flames. Larry and Zoey were giving him sympathetic looks and Cynthia still looked at Evan like he was a real live angel. 

And then there was Connor-Connor was looking right through him as if Evan wasn't even there. But still it made him want to hide under a rock and never reemerge. 

Connor looked as he usually did, long stringy hair, pale, dark shadows under his eyes. And a less than friendly expression. 

Cynthia gave her son an encouraging look, "Your friend came to see how you were doing. Isn't that nice?"

Evan cringed, waiting for Connor to open his mouth and call Evan a liar, call him a creep, tell his parents to kick him out. 

Bur the taller boy said nothing. He laid completely still, eyes not blinking, and face expressionless. The group stayed awkwardly silent, Zoe shuffling her feet and her parents exchanging uncomfortable glances. 

Finally Evan cleared his throat and gave a lame wave with his unbroken arm. "H-Hi?"

Connor's reply was a rude snort before he rolled over into his right side, his back to Evan and his family. Cynthia gasped so loudly Evan jumped. "Connor, don't be rude!"

"It's-it's fine," Evan tried to assure her. He was still trying to figure out why Connor didn't call him out. 

Cynthia was still glaring at his son's back, "No it is not. You came to support him and he should at least say hi."

From the corner of his vision Evan saw Zoey roll her eyes. "Connor's an asshole-what a twist."

Larry suddenly stood up and led his family and Evan out into the hallway.

"It's fine- _really_ ," Evan tried to insist, picking at his cast and trying to catch his breath. His palms were  _so_ sweaty.

Larry looked to him, "He doesn't need to ignore you like that. But none of you realize he's probably mortified." He looks to his wife, "You know how anti-social Connor is, giving him an audience during this time is only going to agitate him."

Evan spoke up, "I could-could come back some other time."

Cynthia was busy wringing her hands, eyes on the floor and looking as if all her hope was dying. It made Evan's throat tighten with guilt, but he needed to get away, needed to figure some things out. 

"How about after he's released?" Larry offered quietly, he must have seen Evan's nervous fidgeting. "You can come over for dinner."

Evan nodded, maybe harder than necessary. "Yeah...dinner...that-that sounds good."

. 

Evan now sat on Jared's bed, the other boy sitting across from him in a desk chair. Jared was looking at his friend in confusion, "What, he didn't say anything?"

Evan shook his head, "Nothing, he-he basically ignored me."

"He  _does_ know you lied to his parents, right?" 

"Yeah, I think so."

Jared scratched his head in a perplexed fashion, eyes on his crossed legs. "I mean...he could just be waiting for the right moment to skin you alive but he doesn't strike me as that patient."

Evan rubbed his sweaty palms together, "What-what should I do, Jared?

The older teen gave Evan an almost pitying look, "I have absolutely no idea. I guess just...wait? Or maybe ride up to Seattle and hide?"

.

"What about Jax Shepherd?" asked Zoe.

She sat cross-legged on the living room couch, putting way too much time on a quiz in some teen magazine. Connor sat on the couch arm, watching her, "Do you know him?"

As much as Connor had tried he couldn't seem to get the smiling senior out of his head. 

"Who doesn't?" Zoe's lips turned up, "He's so nice and cute."

Connor rolled his eyes just before his sister turned to look up at him, "Why the sudden curiosity?" 

He shrugged, trying to go for a nonchalant air. "He asked me to sit with him at lunch."

Zoe's sudden smile could put the stars to shame. "He did?! What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything- _ow_!" The last part was because Zoe had leaned forward and smacked his arm. 

"You should sit with him! You need friends!"

Connor scowled, "I already have friends!"

"You haven't had a friend since you broke up with Mr. Bear!"

Connor groaned in embarrassment, she just had to bring that up didn't she? But Zoe now looked at him with a beseeching look, "Please sit with him tomorrow, be social, make a friend. You might be happy for once."

"I'm already happy." The lie was as heavy as lead on his tongue, and he quickly relented to his sister's begging expression. "Fine, just once."

But despite how calm he was yesterday, today it felt like millions of ants were crawling over his skin. He stood in the cafeteria, opting out getting a tray (he felt like he would throw up anything he forced down), and looking for Jax Shepherd.

He spotted the senior in one corner of the large room, talking with two other boys he didn't recognize. Connor sucked in a breath and moved his feet forward. As he walked he passed Zoe's table she gave him an encouraging thumbs up. It did little to ease her nerves and all too soon he stood before the senior. 

Jax smiled when he saw Connor and the freshman wondered what he did to catch his attention.

"Murphy!" he exclaimed, "Guys, this is the kid I told you about." The other two boys looked at him with interest and Connor wondered exactly what Jax said. 

He cleared his throat, "Is-is that invitation still valid?"

Without hesitation  Jax pulled out the remaining chair and waved to it, "Make yourself at home."

Connor sat down but didn't relax, trying to figure out what these seniors wanted from him. After all, who just wanted to be Connor Murphy's friend?

"Introductions," Jax began. "You already met me, now meet Dexter Dukes." Dexter was slightly stockier than Jax, with blond hair pulled up in spikes and brown eyes. When Connor saw him in the hallway he always had a girl or two on his arm. 

"Then there's Diego Fernandez."

Diego's chin laid on his intertwined fingers as he silently watched Connor with deep green eyes, his dark curly hair framing his face.

Connor swallowed, "Hey." 

 


	4. Are We Gonna Have A Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapter titles are only going to get worse.

It was midnight when Heidi arrived home and Evan was still awake when she walked upstairs. He sat on his bed, laptop before him but no words on the screen. He knew he should be writing another letter for therapy but his mind kept replaying the day over and over again.

"Hey," she breathed softly, leaning against the door frame. Her arms were crossed and her scrubs were wrinkled, while she was looking at her son with concern all Evan could notice was how tired she looked.

"Hi," he greeted, trying for a smile. "How was your day?"

"It was good." Heidi walked across the small room to sit on the edge of the bed. "But I want to know who this Connor boy is."

Evan tried not to fold into himself, his mom knew the truth, knew he was lying about being friends with a kid who nearly committed suicide. She was going to ground him-no, throw him out on the street-he'd probably do the same if he was in her shoes.

"Starting with why you've never told me about him." 

Evan stammered under her gaze, "Oh, he-he wanted it-" he cleared his throat, turned his eyes to his cast, picked at a loose thread, "Our...our friendship to be a  secret." Evan nearly bit his tongue at such a pathetic lie. But even as he thought that he knew he'd be digging his hole even deeper.

"Why would he want that?" Heidi's question came out as more of a command. 

"Because I'm..." Evan struggled, moving his hands as if they could grasp an answer. "...You know..."

Heidi's brow furrowed, her expression tight, "No, I don't know."

He swallowed, "Mom, he nearly  _died_. Why are you being so suspicious of him?" His final words came out more bitter than he expected. But he couldn't help feeling defensive for Connor's sake, he wasn't here to defend him himself...and unlike Evan the other teen had made a sound...

Heidi softened, seeing that her son was starting to get upset. She wrapped an arm around his shoulder, but Evan was too tense to relax against her. "He's going to be fine," she decided to reassure him. "I talked to his doctor, he'll be out in a few days."

"That's good," he breathed so quietly he wondered if his mother had even heard him. 

"Maybe...maybe we could invite him over?" Heidi offered. "I'd love to meet a friend of yours."

Evan swallowed again, "I-I don't know. I'm, uh, going to the Murphy's when he's let out."

Heidi raised her eyebrows, this, of course, was the first time she heard this. She looked torn for a moment, not knowing if she should let her son go... but finally she nodded with a tight smile. "Some other time then."

.

"So what's the plan?" Jared asked. "Are you going through buy him flowers? Maybe chocolates? Oh, how about a poem?"

Evan gave him a droll look which only made Jared smile smugly. "Promises you don't intend to keep?" was his last offer.

Before Evan could decide whether or not to give a response Alana was suddenly by their side, panting and grinning from ear to ear.

"I came as soon as I heard!" she addressed Evan. The poor boy could only blink, startled by his fr-acquaintance's sudden appearance. "Wh-What?"

She was still smiling, her teeth practically shining, "About you and Connor!" She playfully nudged Evan's noninjured arm, "Why didn't you tell me you two were friends?"

"I...uh..." Evan rubbed his arm though Alana's nudge hadn't hurt. "I guess it just never came up."

Jared spoke up, "Why do you care, Al?"

She turned her dark eyes to him, "Oh, Connor and I are acquaintances and I got so worried when I heard he tried to commit suicide. I thought to myself: 'if only he had a good influence'-" her wide smile returned to Evan- "But then Zoe Murphy told me  _you_ are his friend!"

Without any warning she pulled Evan into a tight hug, the boy stiff in her arms. "I'm so proud of you, Evan! You'll be such a great influence on him! Call me if you ever need any help."

She pulled away so suddenly that Evan almost lost his balance, with a rushed goodbye she jogged down the hall, dissapearing from sight. Once she was gone Jared stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned to Evan. "So, how does it feel being the one guy Al would press her cleavage against?"

" _Jared_ ," Evan blushed.

"It's not a compliment or anything," the older boy assured as he led them to class. "It means you've reached a friend zone level I've only heard in myths."

.

The one thing Connor was certain of was that Jax and company weren't after his money, all three coming from well to do families.

But it left the teen wondering exactly why these three seniors wanted to spend time with him. Connor never considered himself worth any attention. But even though he was suspicious he still sat with them at lunch and would walk with Jax through the halls when the senior asked. During that time he learned about the three. 

Dexter, for example, came from a family that owned a chain of clothing stores. That, along with his looks and money, made it sinfully easy to get with girls. He even bragged to Connor how he once hooked up with a college chick during junior year. 

"What did your parents think?" was the only thing Connor could think to say, and wanted to smack himself a second later. 

Dexter had cocked a perfect blond brow, "Who cares what they thought?"

And honestly... Connor admired his apathy. He and Zoe's lived had always revolved around their parents' opinions. The two missed out on mall trips and laser tags because it involved children and activities that their parents didn't approve of. Which was why Connor had avoided discussions at the dinner table, and also begged Zoe not to mention Jax and co. She, liking that Connor was being social, didn't say a word and they let Larry and Cynthia believe Connor ate his lunch alone. 

But Jax didn't have to worry about things like that. His parents were divorced, his mother having ran off with another man and his father was always off on business trips. Jax couldn't care less and Connor really,  _really_ admired that. And as the days went by a begrudging part of him also liked how he could look forwar to a smile and friendly conversation. And it was mainly Jax, who made a point to always include Connor in conversation. Jax, who had taken Connor to a 7-11 and opened up about his parents. 

He trusted Connor, and as more time passed Connor was starting to think maybe...just maybe...Jax really did like him.

But Connor did know one thing for certain, Diego did  _not_ like him. The quiet and stone-faced teenager had never spoken to the freshman once since their introduction. He never smiled, never showed any interest in Connor and sometimes wasn't even with his friends if he knew the younger teen would be joining them.

However Connor didn't let that get to him. He was used to dislike, was comforted by it even. 

"Comforted by it?" Jax echoed one day after school.

The two had yet to leave, waiting for the swarms of high schoolers to go first. Jax usually passed this thirty minutes with a smoke, leaning against the school wall and blowing rings into the air. 

Connor, standing next to him, shrugged, "It's easier when you know what people think of you."

Jax titled his head, his dark hair draping against his cheek. "And you prefer for them to dislike you?"

"Yeah, unpopular kids get too much attention," Connor almost chuckled to himself. "Ironically no one paid me any attention after second grade."

"What happened in second grade?" 

"I threw a printer at my teacher."

Jax burst into laughter, and it startled Connor how his chest suddenly felt so fluttery. 

"That's fucked up," the senior grinned when his laughter had calmed down. "Did she ask you to throw her her keys?"

Connor snorted, burying his knuckles against his lips to hide his smile. By this time the school's parking lot had emptied. Jax crushed his cigarette under his boot and headed off to his car.

He stopped halfway when he saw Connor wasn't following him. "You're staying here?" he asked. 

"Zoe's in her astronomers club," Connor explained. "I was gonna wait until she finished and walk her home."

Jax looked over to the school's front doors, staying still for a moment as if he expected Zoe to come running out. Finally he turned his head back to Connor, "Does she  _need_ you to walk with her?"

"Well, no..." It was really just a little tradition. Whenever Zoe wasn't with friends she and Connor would walk home together in companionable silence.

Jax continued, "So why don't you skip it? Just this once? Dexter wanted us to come over and check out his new laptop."

Connor shifted from one foot to another, he supposed Jax had a point... Zoe didn't need him to walk her home...but still...

"I don't know," Connor rubbed the back of his neck.

But Jax lifted an eyebrow, his face expectant, "What's the problem?"

"...Nothing." He stepped forward. "Let's go."

.

Connor's eyes fluttered open and he let out a huff of annoyance. Still the same white walls, still the same incessant beeping, the same irritating tubes stuck in his arm. He couldn't wait to get out of here. 

The night he had overdosed was a blur of unpleasant memories. Flashes of the hospital, blurry faces, fluorescent lights, voices and beeps, they all made him want to claw his eyes and ears. 

Finally he came to his senses and knew he couldn't do that again, he was still rotten with shame and hatred but he had to handle it a different way. At one point after he had come to, he had overheard his parents talking to his doctor.

He couldn't make out most of the conversation thanks to the beeping machines and thick walls. But there was one word that stabbed into his ears and picked up his heart beep: Rehab. 

The doctor was suggesting rehab over a a therapist, and he imagined it was because his parents had informed the doctor of his past. And knowing Cynthia and Larry they were considering it. And Connor  _refused_ to be shipped away.

He needed something-an excuse-to stay. Say, a stuttering kid with social anxiety. Connor had no idea why that Hansen kid would lie about them being friends, but if it kept him out of rehab he was more than willing to play along. 


	5. Be Our Guest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I do deserve to be smacked for that title. 
> 
> Also there's a reference to a musical that isn't Heathers and if you catch me tell me.

If Evan hadn’t noticed the excited whispering one day in school (fun fact, he _had_ noticed) then Alana would’ve been all too happy to tell him that Connor Murphy-the Beast-Evan’s _very best of best friend_ -was returning to school today.

“Geez, Al, they’re friends, not lovers,” Jared pointed out the obvious. The three stood in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the hallway. Alana was practically hopping in place while Evan and Jared were saying stone still, the latter watching his gal pal with amusement while the former looked to be in the middle of a panic attack.

“I know, I know,” Alana waved her hands, her whole body the personification of excited frenzy. “Connor is just a great acquaintance of mine and I think he and Evan are perfect for each other. Platonically.”

She threw her arm out dramatically to indicate across the hall to the wall of lockers. Evan scrunched his eyes up when he noticed a blotch of bright colors that stood out amongst the faded gray. “What’s that?” he asked.

Alana linked arms with the two boys and led them through the crowd, Evan muttering quick apologies every time they walked in front of someone, his brain reminding him he didn’t like crowds.

Alana stopped before the rainbow of colors and Evan realized it was a locker covered in ‘Get Well’ cards and artificial flowers and stickers of smiling suns and cute animals. He could only blink at the sight-Jared however burst into laughter, holding his stomach.

“What’s _that_?”

Alana huffed at him, tossing her braided ponytail over her shoulder, “It’s a welcome back gift for Connor, this is his locker.”

Evan looked closer and saw that the cards did have Connor’s name on them. “Who made this?”

“I got the art club to help out, Zoe too.” Alana pointed to a cute glow in the dark star sticker at the top of the locker. “She brought this.”

Jared was still snickering, “Cute.”

Alana opened her mouth to retort when a sudden hush fell over the crowd. Evan looked over the bespectacled girl’s head to see the crowds of people had stopped to all look toward the school’s entrance. The impressive silence only lasted for a handful of seconds before the whispers returned, louder in volume but undecipherable in meaning. Evan swallowed as a sense of impending dread twisted his insides.

He, Jared, and Alana took several steps back away from the locker, Evan not stopping until his back pressed against the cold brick of the wall, his head against a flyer for the school’s upcoming musical. Jared cast him an uneasy look but Alana’s eyes were glued on Connor’s locker.

A few seconds later and the crowd parted, scurrying in the process, and then the Murphy siblings were there.

Zoe looked the same as she did, pretty and sweet, giving everyone apologetic looks as she and her brother walked past. Connor kept his eyes forward, not meeting any of the stares that followed them. He looked…not good but _normal_ , Connor’s kind of normal, bags under his eyes, hoodie faded and his hair was probably full of tangles. But he wasn’t hooked up to an IV so that was good. And he wasn’t rushing at Evan to claw his face so that was good also. In fact, he hadn’t spared a glance toward Evan once and the boy didn’t know whether to be relieved or not. Hell, he didn’t even know if he should be joining in the gawking game the hallway was playing.

Connor stopped abruptly when he stood before his locker, staring at the mess of well wishes that had been left on his locker. Zoe stood next to him and muttered something Evan couldn’t hear, but he did notice how Connor didn’t look grateful in the least. He threw his locker open and performed the student ritual of grabbing the books he needed and tossing the ones he didn’t. And then he slammed the locker shut and whirled around.

And just like that Connor Murphy’s attempt at suicide was old news, the crowds of students moving on to go on with their lives and wait for the next big dramatic event. But Evan wasn’t so lucky as to just move on, not when Connor’s eyes narrowed in on him and he felt like his chest had been stabbed. Evan pushed himself farther against the wall as if he could melt into the ivory brick.

Zoe smiled nervously at them and offered a wave, walking a few steps forward, “Hey guys.”

“Hi!” Alana met Zoe halfway, her smile never waning. Jared, looking wary, stayed by Evan. “It’s good to see you two.” Alana turned her bright eyes to Connor who was so dark and grim in contrast. “Do you like your locker, Connor?”

“Oh, I hate it,” he said bluntly and before anyone could blink ripped off one of the get well cards, crumbling it up and letting it fall to the floor.

With her back to him Evan couldn’t see Alana’s reaction.

“ _CONNOR_!” Zoe shrieked, she looked absolutely livid, “Why did you _do that_?!”

Her brother sniffed, “My near death experience-as mother so eccentrically put it-doesn’t mean people can defile my locker.”

Zoe’s teeth gritted and she looked ready to send her brother back to the hospital. But Connor was done with her conversation, instead his head turned so he was once again staring at Evan. “Hansen-” Evan jolted in place-“Walk with me.”

Connor turned on his heel and walked down the hall, not waiting to see if Evan would follow. Zoe and Alana looked to Evan expectantly and the sweating boy swallowed. Jared leaned forward and whispered to him, “If he tries something just scream and I’ll call the cops.” And then Evan was being pushed after Connor.

When he caught up with the taller boy his words tripped over his tongue. “You look good.”

Connor gave Evan a disgusted look and the boy started to stutter, “I-I mean, you look well…healthy. You…I’m glad you’re out of the hospital.”

“Hmm.” Connor hummed with disinterest.

The lump in Evan’s throat wouldn’t cease and he tried to swallow it down again, “You…Alana worked hard on your locker.” He stared at his twiddling fingers as they walked, “You shouldn’t have been so r-rude.”

It was then Connor stopped abruptly in the middle of the hall, they had walked away from the crowd so they were all by themselves. A perfect opportunity for Connor to live up to his beastly nickname and it looked like he was ready to do just that.

“Really?” Connor’s expression was both surprised and furious. “Really, Hansen, are you kidding me?”

Evan took a step back, grasping his fingers tightly together, his shirt sticking to his back, “I…uh…”

Connor’s teeth were bared like he was a wolf, “You lied to my parents about us being friends and you’re giving _me_ a lecture about morality?”

Evan’s eyes fell to the floor, “I just…they thought we were friends and I just…went along with it. They saw the letter you took from me and j-jumped to conclusions.”

Connor didn’t look any more appeased by that explanation, “Ah yes, that letter, we’re going to talk about that later.”

Evan hunched his head into his shoulders.

“But for now, we’re not going to argue. For now, we’re gonna be the _best_ of pals.”

Those words had Evan shooting his head up to stare, wide-eyed, at the school’s Beast, “E-excuse me?”

“As creepy as you are, if my parents think we’re “friends” they won’t send me to rehab. And since I have _no_ plans to go there you and I are going to be best buddies until my parents decide rehab isn’t necessary. And mark my words, E-” Connor suddenly stopped talking, having leaned down to be at eye level with the shorter boy when he stopped.

“W-what?” Evan stammered.

“What’s your first name again?”

“Oh. Evan.”

“Right-mark my words, Evan Hansen, you screw this up for me and I’ll be sent to prison instead of rehab. Got it?”

Evan nodded, his head bobbing like crazy, “G-got it. No problem. At all.”

Connor straightened back to his full height, “Good, I’ll see you tonight at dinner.”

As he walked away Evan could only think that out of all the things he imagined to happen today. Connor agreeing to be his fake friend wasn’t one of them.

.

A few hours later Evan sat in the cafeteria next to Jared, Alana sitting across the room with Zoe and the two girls seemed deep into a conversation. Connor was nowhere to be found, and at the moment that was fine with Evan.

He had told Jared what Connor had said and now the boy was doing what he did best: making fun.

“I _guess_ I could call you Kevan? Though it lacks the right pizzazz.”

Evan put his milk carton down and looked to him, “What?”

Jared held up his hands, “See, it’s obvious you two are going to end up in some corny gay love affair so I’m going to go ahead and give you two one of those cute couple names where, you know-” he interlocked his fingers-“You bunch them together. But you both have such weird names I can’t work under these conditions. Like, Eonnor? Seriously?”

Evan was already doing his best impression of a tomato, “Why are you like this, Jared?”

He smirked at him, “Hey, I’ll have you know many people find me hilarious.” His smirk loosened when he saw Evan’s distraught expression. “Here, I got something for you.”

Fishing through his backpack Jared suddenly pulled out a red soda can and offered it to Evan who took it in sheepish surprise.

“Th-thanks,” He looked at the label, “Mountain Dew Red? I-I thought this got discontinued.”

Jared was resting his cheek on his palm, watching Evan, “I got a pen pal in the next town over. He loves sending me old, vintage shit. Last week he actually sent me a walkman.”

Evan’s chuckle was more of a shuddering breath, “Funny.” Though a part of him couldn’t help being slightly hurt that he was hearing about this pen pal only now.

“You need a walkman?” Jared asked.

Evan shook his head before his eyes roving over the cafeteria once again. He wondered, as a fake friend, if he was obligated to go looking for him. But before he could make a final decision the bell rang and the next class beckoned the students onward.

.

Evan didn’t see Connor or even Zoe for the rest of the day and before he headed home Jared made him swear to give him the details of tonight’s dinner as soon as it was over. Once home Evan figured, since the Murphy’s were a rich family, he should dress formally for the dinner.

The only problem was he and Heidi didn’t have the money to buy fancy clothes, and in their defense they never had outings that required fancy wear. But Evan ended up picking a long-sleeved white button-down he never wore, and a pair of his newest khakis (he simply didn’t have any super formal pants).

He had just finished putting on the outfit when his mother knocked and walked into his room. Heidi’s eyes widened in surprise when she saw her son, “Where’s the wedding?” she asked but her lips were turning up in a pleasantly surprised smile.

Evan blushed and fiddled with the cast that made an unattractive bump under his sleeve, “I’m about to go to the Murphy’s…for that dinner? Connor’s home.”

She nodded, of course she knew, “Yeah, and I’m going to have to head out again but I wanted to come check on you. You want me to drop you off?”

Evan shook his head, “N-no, I can go myself. But thanks. I-I’ll see you later tonight?”

Heidi stepped forward and fiddled with Evan’s collar, “When I get home I expect you to be asleep. You can tell me about the dinner in the morning.” She drifted off into silence, just smiling at her son.

Evan glanced away for a second, feeling a little uncomfortable, “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Heidi’s eyes crinkled as she smiled, “I’m just glad to see you going out and…and having friends. It might feel awkward now but trust me…” Her hands had fallen onto his shoulders and gripped him tightly, “You’ll be so thankful when you look back on it.”

.

Standing at the door of the Murphy’s house (it was more like a mansion), Evan’s stomach was full of mentally unstable butterflies desperately trying to claw out to freedom. And they didn’t settle down when Mrs. Murphy opened the door, and it definitely didn’t help that she looked frustrated.

He immediately stepped back, ready to tell her he can go back home if now wasn’t a good time. He wondered if Connor had said something.

But Cynthia pulled her lips into a tired but sincere smile, “Evan, hi sweetie.” The affectionate word startled the boy, and for a moment she reminded him so much of Heidi. And he wasn’t sure if that calmed him or made him more nervous. “Come on in,” she stepped back to let Evan walk in.

The boy couldn’t help gawking at the house’s beautiful foyer, soothing cream colors mixed in with stunning landscape paintings and exotic flowers. Evan felt like he had just stepped into one of those fancy homeowner magazines.

Cynthia led him into the dinning room where the table was set but no food was there, across the room his eyes found Connor, leaning against the wall with an impassive expression and bloodshot eyes. Zoe and Larry were glaring at him, not trying to mask their obvious frustration.

“Our guest is here,” Cynthia told him, her voice cracked with the effort of keeping her frustration in her voice. She gently patted Evan’s shoulder, “Make yourself at home. Larry can you help me bring the food out?”

Mr. Murphy turned from his son abruptly, nodding a greeting to Evan before following his wife out of the dining room and into the kitchen.

“Hansen, buddy,” Connor suddenly spoke, looking at Evan with an expression that instantly set the boy on edge. But it didn’t take much to put Evan Hansen on edge. He tensed when Connor held his arms out, “Come give me a hug.” His voice sounded sincere but his smile had twisted into something mocking that made Evan want to hide in a shell.

Zoe hurried over to her guest’s side and grabbed Evan’s wrist, the boy flinching at the sudden contact but she didn’t seem to notice. “I’m sorry,” she whispered in his ear. “Connor got high at school today and hasn’t exactly come down yet.”

That would explain her and her father’s anger and Cynthia’s frustration. “It’s okay,” he tried to assure her.

Zoe glared at her brother who was smiling lazily at the ceiling, his feet rocking back and forth. “No its’ not, if he was a real friend he wouldn’t smoke pot _right_ before we were having you over for dinner.” She looked at Evan and his throat closed as, for just a second, it looked like Zoe had read his mind and knew this was all a farce.

“Life’s tough, sis,” Connor said, eyes still heavenward, “I needed to relax. Hansen, come here, come.”

Evan stepped away from Zoe’s hand and slowly, slowly, made his way to Connor who suddenly shot his arm out and wrapped it around Evan’s shoulder. Now pressed up against the taller boy’s side Evan gulped, noting he was never going to be able to swallow that lump in his throat.

Connor leaned his head forward to whisper in Evan’s ear, “Don’t fuck this up. I want you to spend this entire dinner nodding, you got that?”

Evan nodded vigorously and Connor’s pot-induced smile returned and he playfully ruffled the shorter teen’s hair. “Good boy.”

The Murphy’s served chicken, along with an assortment of vegetables, for dinner. And Evan knew that despite Connor’s order he’d have to be the one to hold the conversation. The boy said between Evan and his father with his head on the table and looking ready to fall asleep. All three members of his family had constantly told him to sit up and join the dinner conversation but he ignored them.

Then Zoe turned to Evan who sat across from her and looked at him as if he was a confounding creature from another planet. “How are you two friends?”

Evan blinked, “S-sorry?”

She glared at his brother, “He’s as awful as usual. I thought being around you I’d see some change but no, he’s the same asshole I’ve always known.”

“Zoe,” Mrs. Murphy hissed but Zoe kept her intense gaze on Evan who was starting to sweat.

He cast a quick glance at Connor who was now watching him as well. Evan swallowed and decided Connor couldn’t do anything to him in front of his family. “We, ah…I said….he…took…” Evan ended up staring at the bowl of apples in the middle of the table, silently screaming. What on earth was he supposed to say? “Apples…”

Surprisingly Cynthia spoke up, “Connor, you took him to the old orchard?”

Connor’s red eyes widened at his mother’s words, “…yes.”

She clapped her hands together, a delighted and relieved smile pulling up her lips, “You remember it?”

“I haven’t thought about that place in years,” Larry admitted.

Connor shrugged, “What can I say? He, uh…”

“I like trees,” Evan cut in. Which was true, probably the only honest thing he’d be saying at this dinner.

Connor pointed a long finger at the boy on his right, “He likes trees. I heard him talk about it one day and said, ‘hey, do you like orchards’?”

“And I said yes, and we went,” Evan finished.

Connor’s parents looked satisfied with that answer but Zoe did not, “You just...invited a kid you didn’t know to an orchard we haven’t been to in years? And you just…went with him?”

Connor rolled his eyes, “If you’re jealous about Hansen being my friend and not yours you can just say so instead of acting pitiful.”

Zoe scowled at him and Evan looked to his barely touched plate, a blush rising up his ears. Zoe Murphy jealous that she didn’t have _him_ as a friend? That was the most ridiculous thing said at this dinner.

“No,” Zoe said, not breaking eye contact from her brother, “I wanna know why you pushed your ‘friend’ to the floor.”

“ _What_?” Cynthia and Larry exclaimed in unison, staring at their son.

Evan tried to fix the situation, “He-he didn’t push me I fell!”

“Bullshit,” Zoe replied, “I saw, he pushed you.”

Larry was glaring at his son, “Why would you do that, Connor?”

Evan was scrambling for a reason when Connor spoke effortlessly, “Because he didn’t listen.”

“Didn’t listen to what?” Larry demanded.

Connor indicated to the boy next to him, “Evan has enough problems to deal with. He doesn’t need kids picking on him for hanging out with the school stoner. He doesn’t care about that but I do.” He turned to face Evan with a chastising look, “Though I guess I’m just gonna have to get over that, aren’t I?”

Evan only shrugged.

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed of yourself, Connor,” Cynthia insisted but it almost sounded like she too, was embarrassed of her son.

Zoe was still looking thoughtful, “So how did you guys talk if not at school? I know you didn’t spend all your time at the orchard.”

Connor scowled at his sister, obviously fed up with her questions. “Would you just give it a fucking rest?”

“Language,” Cynthia warned.

But Zoe wasn’t fazed, “I’m just wondering. You’re my brother; I can be interested in your social life.”

Connor just glared silently, looking like he was ready to bare his fangs and growl. But Larry and Cynthia were looking at him with interest; this was a question they needed an answer for.

“We uh…” Evan’s tongue felt like cotton as his brain struggled to grasp for _something_. “We wrote emails.”

All eyes turned to him. “Emails?” Cynthia echoed.

“Ye-yeah,” Evan kept on, “That’s how we uh…talked. I don’t like talking on phones or things like that so we just emailed each other.”

“Where?” Larry asked, “I checked Connor’s emails none of them were from you-”

“YOU DID WHAT!?” Connor jumped to his feet, practically bristling.

But Larry, like Zoe, wasn’t fazed by his hostility and Evan wondered how they did it. “You tried to commit suicide Connor. I was looking for some answers.”

“I have family who can’t mind their own damn business, there’s an answer,” he snapped, nails digging into the wood.

Before one of the Murphy’s could say something Evan continued, “It was a secret email. We were…it was m-more private that way.”

Connor swung his head around and gave Evan a look that begged him to shut up, the anxious boy bit his lip and vowed to obey.

Cynthia was intrigued however, “Really? Could we see one?”

“What part of private didn’t you guys get?” Connor demanded but there was no longer any bite to his words, now he just looked exhausted.

Larry sighed and placed his hand on Connor’s shoulder who tensed up, “You need to open up to us as well, son. We want to help you and you’re going to have to let us.”

Connor knocked Larry’s hand away and spoke in a low voice, “I think Evan is ready to go home.”

Evan nodded, acting like he had been following Connor’s one rule all throughout dinner. He nearly jumped out of his seat to follow Connor outside. But once they passed the house’s threshold he realized that might not have been the best idea.

“I’m going to literally murder you,” he hissed as he whirled around.

Evan took a step back, “I, uh-”

“I am going to _literally_ fucking murder you,” he continued. “What were you _thinking_? My mom is going to want those stupid letters!”

“We-we can make them,” Evan tried to find a solution.

Connor snorted, “How?”

Evan gave him his number one answer to any problems he faced, “Jared.” Granted Jared wasn’t always the correct answer, but he was definitely always the first. “My-Jared."

Connor furrowed his brow, “Jared Kleinman?”

“Yeah-yeah, I can talk to him. He’s smart, he can help us forge some fake letters!”

After a moment of agonizing silence Connor let out an exhausted breath and straightened up, pressing his palm against his eyes. “Fine. Fuck it, let’s get Kleinman’s help.”


	6. Ruby Lips

Connor’s Evan-based annoyance faded like ash in the wind when he stepped back inside. It was replaced by anger at his snooping family.

Cynthia stood near the foyer, wringing her hands anxiously. Connor had to swallow back the shame that rose up every time he looked at her. She opened her mouth to speak but Connor cut her off, “I’m going to shower.”

He turned to head toward the stairs when Larry, still in the dinning room, spoke: “Connor, I think your mother wants to talk to you.”

The teen grinded his teeth together until he felt they would break. “Anything she wants to know can probably be found in my laptop, or any of my other personal belongings.”

Cynthia flinched and Larry decided to grace them with his presence, stepping out of the dinning room to stand by his wife’s side. “ _I_ did that, don’t blame her.”

Connor snorted, “Forgive me, I’m just not used to such ‘loving’ attention, it threw me off.” He whipped around and climbed the stairs, but halfway up he stopped and looked over his shoulder. “Also, glad to know all I need to do to get your attention is to pop some pills.”

If his parents had anything to say to that-he was positive Larry had a few things-he wouldn’t find out. Connor was already up the stairs and in the bathroom (the bathroom with the now empty medicine cabinet) and stepped into the shower. Connor wished the hot water would rinse off his fury, the last thing he needed was scaring off Hansen. He needed that kid in order to stay out of rehab.

In hindsight getting angry at his parents might persuade them to rehab friend or no friend, he was gonna have to show, somehow, that Hansen was being a good influence. And e-mails were a good start, Hansen and Kleinman would help.

Connor lifted his head into the steam spray to recall all he knew about Jared Kleinman.

.

The two, of course, went to kindergarten together. Jared had been a chubby kid and got times outs a lot because even back then he was a smart ass.

Connor had been a quiet kid, his lunch box always filled to the brim with food because his obviously rich parents believed him to be far too skinny.

And one day that Batman lunch box had an alarmingly large amount of sweets because today was Valentine’s Day and they’d hope he’d the heart of some little girl. But standing in the colorful classroom currently decorated with hearts and obnoxious shades of pinks, Connor could see no girl to win over. All of them had already been taken.

So instead he sat far away from the lovey-dovey groups, instead he sat next to the time out corner-next to Jared Kleinman (he had called Alana Beck a bad word for not accepting his gift-less affections).

Connor quietly ate his sweets while Jared fumed a few feet away. Finally, since Connor never finished all the food he brought, decided he might as well share with _someone_. He picked up a heart-shaped sugar cookie and offered it to Jared. “Here.”

The boy looked at the cookie, studying it seriously for a moment, “Do you have chocolate chip?”

Connor placed the cookie back and then picked up another heart-shaped cookie, the one chocolate chip (his mother had a lot of free time).

Jared broke into a smile, eyes shining, “Thanks!” he snatched the sweet and gobbled it down in two bites. “I’m Jared,” he said past the crumbs that flew out of his mouth.

The other boy nodded, “I know, I’m Connor.” The two boys silently returned to their original tasks, eating and pouting.

They didn’t talk again until recess, Connor sitting in a patch of shade. He had snatched one of his favorite books (Stellaluna) out of class so he could read it while the rest of the kids played on swings and in sandboxes. He was halfway through the boy when a voice called him.

“Connor!”

Looking up he saw Jared waddling toward him, his cheeks once again puffed up in anger. “I need you to kiss me.”

Connor’s brow furrowed, that was an odd request. “Why?”

“Because Jason Hardy was making fun that I’ve never been kissed. Not that _he’d_ been kissed either. I want to rub in his face that I’ve kissed someone before him.”

Connor was still confused, “Why not ask a girl?”

Jared pointed a chubby finger at him, “Because you gave me a cookie, we bonded.” It was still weird but Connor had nothing better to do, he might as well get his first kiss over with.

It hadn’t been anything spectacular; Connor knew this even if he had nothing to compare it to. Jared just smashed their lips together (Connor had to hold back a painful whine), stayed like for about three seconds and then Jared pulled away, nodded like a mission had been completed and walked away.

.

Despite being each others’ first kiss the two only talked once or twice as they grew up, but second grade came and that was the first trip that would eventually have Connor rolling downhill for the rest of his life.

He was becoming more aware that he wasn’t…like everyone else. He wasn’t always happy, wasn’t confident or active, wasn’t like his sister. Random things filled him with dread and he responded with hostility, Connor knew at a very young age that his response was always fight instead of flight. And he became paranoid which made him more observant and he heard the things people, mainly adults, said about his family.

Jealous people, saying things that Connor didn’t understand until he was much older, like how his mother had slept her way into a luxurious life. But he also knew that dislike was toward himself and Zoey too, people saying they would just end up riding their parents coat-tails. That they would never have to try, that life would be simple and easy.

One day Connor woke up feeling like the entire world was poking him with sticks, urging him, taunting him, to blow up, to get angry. And it didn’t help a little voice in his head told him that these people deserved his wrath.

And the last thing he needed was Mrs. Gee’s favoritism. Their class had a system; each child got a chance to be line leader, in alphabetical order it went from the kids whose last name beings with A then B then so on and so on. But on Connor’s day-he was skipped, not only him but also Zoe whose turn it right after him, instead letting Oscar Parks lead the line. Connor personally didn’t care much about line leader, but Zoey had been heartbroken, the teacher refused to give them an answer. And Connor had overheard what she thought of his family.

And he had no problem calling her out in front of the entire class.

Mrs. Gee had glared at him with pure dislike and let her class assistant send the rest of the kids on their bathroom break so she and Connor could ‘talk.’

That talk consisted of them standing in the middle of the room, him glaring at her while she told him she would not tolerant his ‘spoiled entitlement’ when he didn’t get his way. But really Connor had stopped paying attention, his ears had gone numb, all he could see was red and his mind wouldn’t stop screaming at him. How _dare_ she? Who did she think she was? She didn’t know Connor and his family! It wasn’t his fault he was rich! He didn’t _like_ being rich, it didn’t do him any good! And she was wrong about his family anyway! His father had worked hard to get where he was at! His mother made not work but she didn’t ‘sleep’ her way into her new life, she and his father _fell in love_! And Zoe? Zoe was perfect! And he wasn’t going to stand for this awful woman _telling him **otherwise**_!!

Connor wanted to do some damage so he lunged toward the nearest thing, a printer, and in his fury knocked it to the ground, feeling a deep satisfaction as it busted onto the floor and finally got Mrs. Gee to shut up.

.

Connor had been suspended and his parents had to pay for the damages. When he had gotten in trouble he had insisted he was standing up for his family but they didn’t listen. He was a child and Mrs. Gee was an adult that means his opinion was invalid. And when he finally returned to school, full of anger and now shame. He found out the rumors had flew, apparently Connor had _threw_ the printer at Mrs. Gee and she of course wasn’t going to correct the gossiping second graders.

Jared had been one of the loudest about this rumor.

Connor stopped trying to talk to people after that, he knew it wouldn’t do him any good. And if he had problems, which he did, he kept it to himself.

.

He didn’t get into a fight until ninth grade, a month or so after befriending Jax and his friends.

Funnily enough it was with Jason Hardy. School was about to be over, Zoey having already left with her friends and Jax had played hooky. Connor wondered if he could swing by and hang out, beat sitting in him room all by himself.

He had just shut his locker door when a voice yelled out his name. “Connor!”

Jason Hardy appeared from out of the crowd, his posse standing a few feet away with smirks on their faces.

“What?” Connor asked, his brow furrowed and shoulders tense.

“Is Zoe around?”

“No,” Connor answered, he would’ve said no even if Zoey was standing right next to him. Jason Hardy was a stereotypical quarterback, focused more on what (and who) was between his legs rather than what was between his ears and he’d drag Zoey out of a party if he ever thought she would be in danger of falling for his ‘charms’.

Jason drooped in his too big letter jacket, “That’s a shame, I was gonna invite her to my weekend party, heard she can dance like hell.”

Connor bit back a growl, “I’ll go ahead and answer for her; she’s not interested.” He moved to head outside, but Jason wasn’t done.

The boy dug his nails into his shoulder and Connor nearly bit his hand off. “I wasn’t asking you,” Jason replied with a smugness that came from someone who was so _sure_ he wasn’t messing with someone his own size. “Do me a solid and tell her she’s invited,” Jason wore a smile but his voice was a growl.

Connor’s smile was plastic, “I’m sorry I must not have been clear enough: _No_.”

He ripped his shoulder away from Jason and took a step toward the exit. But the other boy let out a nasty scoff, “Don’t make your sister stay a virgin just cause you’re the only fag in school.”

A few minutes later and Connor finally got to leave school, this time with a black eye and the principal’s threat screaming in his ears. His parents would be hearing about this apparently, and he’d know they’d take the other person’s side, they always did. And he didn’t feel like dealing with that.

So instead of home he walked to Jax’s house, feeling relief when the dark-haired senior opened the door.

“WOAH!” Jax yelled when he saw Connor, making the freshman jump.

“Wh-what?”

“Dude, what happened to your _face_?”

Connor placed his hand over his throbbing eyelid, “Oh, that’s why I’m here. I got in a fight with Jason Hardy and…I don’t want to hear my parents say it was my fault.”

“My poor freshy,” Jax grabbed Connor’s arm and led him inside to the empty living room. “Want a beer? The drink of champions?”

Connor fell onto the couch, “I’m no champion, but sure.”

“Oh you are _totally_ a champion, my friend.” Jax sat next to Connor and offered him an ice cold beer. “ _Please_ tell me you knocked Hardy onto his ass.”

“He weighs as much as a paper airplane,” Connor smirked before taking a sip from the can. “So yeah.”

Jax burst into laughter, “Oh, God, I hope someone recorded that and puts it online. It’ll win all the Oscars I can already tell.”

The two relaxed against the leather couch, silent for a few minutes. Connor giving up on drinking the beer and instead using the can as an ice pack against his black eye. “So…what did Hardy do?”

Connor let out a huff of breath, “He told me he planned on sleeping with my sister and called me a fag.”

Jax winced, “Ouch. Wait…wouldn’t your parents at least…let you off with a warning if you told them that?”

Connor laughed bitterly, “You don’t know my family. They never take my side, and who knows what that teacher, and Hardy, is saying about me right now.” He looked to Jax, “Can I hide out here for like, forever?”

Jax smirked at him, “Sure, why not? I’ve been looking for someone to paint nails and braid hair with. We can even snuggle up and watch the Princess Bride.”

Connor laughed, genuinely this time, and let his body lean toward Jax. “Thanks.”

Jax placed his beer can on the coffee table, “No problem.”

“No, I mean…thanks for automatically taking my side,” Connor explained. “I…You know, you’re the only person who does that.”

“Aw,” Jax ran his fingers through Connor’s hair, “You’re adorable.”

Connor gently pushed Jax’s hand away, “I’m serious.”

“I am too,” Jax insisted, and his smile was much more sincere than Connor had ever seen it. “You’re a great guy, Murphy. I’m glad I was smart enough to talk to you, glad you always decided to give me a chance.”

Connor swallowed, feeling his ears turn hot with something he wasn’t used to…was he flustered? “You don’t have to say all that…I’m not that great.”

“Beg to differ,” Jax replied, “Look at you, the most blunt freshman I’ve ever met, both admirable and hilarious. You got good taste in movies and music too _and_ you just put us in a better mood, not just me Dexter and Diego agree with me. Also you-”

Jax was cut off when Connor suddenly leaned forward and kissed him, he held Jax’s freshly-shaven face between his hands, running his tongue against Jax’s hot mouth and wanted to express his gratitude through his kissing.

And then he realized what he was doing and pulled his lips away, too numb to remove his fingers from Jax’s cheeks. “I-I…” Connor couldn’t think of what to say, the only thing he could think that it was official: Connor Murphy liked boys. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Jax insisted, his lips glazed from the kiss and his chest heaving up and down. He looked as startled as Connor felt, “I-I didn’t hate it.”

Those words made Connor start and he finally managed to move his arms when Jax grabbed his wrist, keeping Connor from moving away. The boy swallowed and knew he was beet red.

“It’s fine,” Jax repeated, his blue eyes were smoldering and it sent Connor’s blood rushing. He leaned closer, testing the waters, and Jax grabbed his mouth with his own. Connor let out a moan and grabbed at any body part he could reach, Jax nibbled his bottom lip and grinded against Connor’s thigh.

“J-Jax,” Connor panted as the boy pulled his mouth away from the freshman’s lips and sucked on his neck. Connor moved his leg so the senior would properly rub against him.

Connor let out a gasp, “I…I really like this.”

Jax pulled Connor’s body flush against him, “I like it too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared was a chubby kid calling it now!


	7. Sincerely, Me

Jared and Connor already looked 1000% done and they hadn't even started. The former unceremoniously inviting the annoyed Connor and nervous Evan in.

"Let's get this over with," Jared led them upstairs to his room.

When Evan had asked for Jared's help the bespectacled boy looked at him as if he had lost his mind, and the two had went back and forth on their opinions about this until Jared agreed after Evan had offered twenty bucks.

Once Jared reached his bedroom he sat down at his desk, laptop already on, and cracked his knuckles, "How are we doing this?"

"Oh-um..." Evan glanced at Connor who had retreated with his back in a corner. "Any ideas, Jared?"

He gave Evan a droll look and sighed heavily, "If I _must_." A second later Jared's fingers were flying over the keyboard at an alarming speed.

"Jared?" Evan pulled on his collar and tried to chuckle. "Were you already prepared?"

Jared only grinned and that concerned Connor enough to walk over and read over Jared's shoulder. "Dear Evan Hansen," he began. "We've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don't talk that much. But I should tell you that I...think of you each night...I rub my nip- _what the fuck_?" Connor smacked Jared's head but the teen only laughed.

He smiled evilly at Connor, "I'm just trying to tell the truth."

Connor turned to Evan with disgust, "This is what happens when you ask for help from a guy who writes my little pony porn."

"Fuck you too, Connor," Jared smiled sweetly.

Evan turned to Jared beseechingly, "We just want one letter that shows that we're good friends, Jared... _platonic_ friends."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have made it sound like you two are in a forbidden gay love affair."

" _What_?!" both Evan and Connor exclaimed.

Jared leaned back in his chair with a smug smirk, "You two wrote secret letters to each other and wouldn't hang out at school? _Come on_. Plus, Alana told me."

Evan was scared to ask, "Told you what?"

"The entire class calls you Convan." Jared turned his face to his laptop, expression one of grudging respect. "That's a good one, I love it. Why didn't I think of that?"

Connor let out an aggravated sigh, "Jesus Christ." He sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. "Hansen you got us into this mess, get us out of it."

Evan urged Jared out of his seat to sit before the computer and started to type, his pace slow with thought. Unfortunately for him Jared and Connor were back-seat writers.

"Rough, is it? Kinky," Jared teased.

"No body says they like their parents, Hansen," Connor pointed out drolly.

Evan moved to back space but Jared snarled at Connor, "You can't criticize you're the one who went with this dumb ass idea."

Connor returned the glare, "And _he_ came up with this idea."

Jared patted Evan's head, "That's cause he's an idiot, but I put up with it cause he has a heart of gold and pays for my car insurance."

Connor stared at the shorter boy for a silent moment before apparently deciding not to respond. "Anyway Hansen, get up."

Connor sat before Jared's desk, looking on a mission, "If you want something done right do it yourself."

Evan read Connor's sentences, and, to his surprise, it wasn't half bad. Connor muttered the words as he typed: "...Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention...it's easy to change if you give it your attention..." he paused, biting his bottom lip in thought.

Evan's mouth moved before he could stop it, "All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be."

Jared and Connor looked at him but Evan blushed, "Or...something else."

Connor just shrugged and typed out what Evan said, finishing the e-mail with a 'sincerely me'.

"Are we done yet?" Jared asked with exaggerated impatience.

"We can't just write one letter," Evan pointed out.

Connor leaned back in the seat to look at him, "We can't?"

"Real friends would write more than one letter." At least the friends in books and movies did. And by Jared and Connor's aggravated growl they agreed, the tallest teen opening up a new word document.

The second letter, supposed to be written by Evan, had Connor stumped. Or so he claimed. "We need to make it sound as creepy as you," he snarked to the boy.

Jared's dark eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a moment but then arched up as realization dawned. "He found your sex letter, huh?"

Evan was quickly reminded that he wasn't Jared's favorite person.

"His WHAT?!" Connor boomed, startling the other two boys.

"That's not what it was!" Evan wailed. Connor looked ready to murder him on Jared's bed. "It-it's _therapeutic_."

"For _what_?"

"My therapist told me to write letters to myself...he-it's suppose to help." Evan rubbed the cast on his arm, feeling like ants were crawling across his skin. "It's not important let's just finish the letters."

Connor slipped off Jared's chair with cat-like grace. "It's _your_ letter. You write it."

Evan returned to the laptop, as he typed he was painfully aware of Connor's staring at him. It made Evan flush with embarrassment but his tongue was lead so he couldn't tell Connor to stop. Not that the teen would listen.

When Evan finished his letter Jared made a noise of pity, "You...you do know guys don't send each other pictures of trees, right?"

Evan shrugged, "I like trees." His three words ended with a surprised yelp as Jared suddenly sat on his lap, the bespectacled boy pulling up one more word document.

"Okay, three sounds like a good number," Jared stated.

"Jared," Evan moaned, "Please get off my lap."

Jared clicked his tongue in mocking pity, "Not gonna do it. Connor sat on this chair and I don't want his germs." He grinned over at Connor who scowled at him, "Joke. Funny. Get it?"

The taller boy rolled his eyes and started to pace, "Get it. Laughing. Can't tell? Start the damn letter."

Jared not so subtly borrowed Connor's words. Evan looking over his arm to watch him type and even Connor begrudgingly walking over to watch.

"Our friendship goes beyond," Jared sang as he typed, "Your average kind of bond!"

Evan quickly added in (because he knew Jared), "But not because we're gay!"

Connor nearly threw himself over the two as he ran back to them, " _No not because we're gay_!"

Jared kept laughing as the two continuously kept on insisting their heterosexuality.

"Done and _done_!" Jared cheered as he added a 'miss you dearly'. "And for two _super_ straight chaps like yourselves you're obviously trying to compensate for something." He finally jumped off Evan's lap, the latter's legs numb. "I think this calls for some frozen yogurt."

"That sounds nice," Evan agreed, standing up on wobbly legs. "Wanna come, Connor?"

The other two boys looked at him, Jared annoyed and Connor surprised.

"If rich boy's coming he's buying," Jared relented.

Connor shrugged, "Whatever."

The three headed out of the room but not before Connor chuckled, "Hey, Kleinman?"

"What's up Mopey Murphy?"

"Just for you to know...I would've payed fifty for your 'writing skills'.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait and if you guys though the story was dead. I don't plan on quitting this story but this is my "relaxed" ao3 account where I follow a nonexistent writing schedule.  
> So I have to ask for patience.


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